What to Say to the Grieving

This was written three years ago, quite soon after my wife’s passing, when everything was still quite fresh and raw, and I had to make sure to have plenty of tissues with me at all times in case I were to break down crying.

This morning not one but two people innocently asked me this question as I was entering my church:

“And where is your lovely wife this morning?”

Oh, you poor dear. Now I’m going to have to tell you, and you’re going to feel terrible, aren’t you?

“Please do not feel awkward or embarrassed by this,” I told them earnestly, “But my wife has passed away.”

Then during the sermon, the pastor called out to me by name and asked if perhaps it was less than helpful when people ask me, “How are you doing?”

I see his point; there are lots of things that are less than optimal to say to someone who is grieving. You know all the classics, like “It’s for the best,” or “She’s not suffering anymore.”

And several people asked me that very question this morning before church: “How are you doing?”

And I want to tell you right now: that’s okay.

I burst out laughing when he said that, but perhaps not for the reason you might think. I felt empathy for the dilemma presented by that social situation. How do you offer help and sympathy without saying the wrong thing?

You probably can’t. There really aren’t many right things you can say in that situation. I’m really sorry about that.

But I don’t hear you saying the wrong thing. What I hear is someone wanting to reach out and support me in whatever way they can.

You might use the wrong words; I really don’t care. It’s an awkward situation, you’re maybe not going to handle it in the best way, but you try anyway. That’s brave of you, and I admire that. I know what’s in your heart, and I appreciate it; I am not offended in the least.

Look at it this way: you can’t make me feel any better, and you can’t make me feel any worse.

“How are you doing” is actually a perfectly reasonable question, really.

It’s just that it’s a question that is as awkward for me to answer as it is for you to ask. There are so many levels, and so many angles from which I might answer.

The level of detail and how I answer will vary from person to person depending on our relationship.

I might answer “fine,” or “terrible.”

It’s a paradox, but neither answer is a lie. There are many questions and issues I am actively dealing with. Some have been wonderfully answered. Some may never be. I am working on the rest as best as I am able.