After 40 years as a computer programmer and game developer—and the passing of his wife of 47 years—Rick has retired and is now living in Ye Olde Folks Home, where he still tinkers with tech and likes to write these amusing and/or thoughtful tales about his storied life.

Life in Ye Olde Folks Home
The Perils of A Capella Singing
Bringing Coffee for Alice
“Turn Off the Lights!”
What to Say to the Grieving
While Waiting for the School Bus
An Unfortunate Misunderstanding
In Memoriam: Betty Lou Edwards-Vessel
A Little Knowledge is a Dangerous Thing
Who Would Jesus Stab?
The Eggshell Incident
First Chapel Service at Ye Olde Folks Home
A Yearly Ritual at Menards
“Mr. Loftus, the Town Hero”
The FCAL Project
Pepe Le Pew Finds New Lodgings
In Memoriam: Dale Lear
Bingo Bedlam at Ye Olde Folks Home
There’s a Shortage of Perfect Movies…
One Day at the DMV
A Visitor from Microsoft
“He Who Should Not Be Named”
Downton… Abbey?
This Home is a Liver-Free Zone
My 9/11 Rememberances
My Yearly Pumpkin Spice Rant
Done In By Baker’s Square
My Eulogy for Alice
“Dear Rikki…”
A Clean, Well-lighted Place for Books
Memories of my First Computer
A Little Excitement at the Staff Meeting
The Tale of Mrs. Butler
Sun, Sand, and a Margarita
“Thou Shalt Not Steal”
Troubleshooting at Ye Olde Folks Home
Stories of my Mother
I’ve Heard Angels Sing
Elevator Mishap at the Eye Clinic
One Day at Fair, Isaac
Saturday Morning Cartoons
A Sprig of Parsley
Fun With Recruitment Ads
Leave Her to Heaven
“Squirrel!”
Bring me Dave Bringle!
Beware! The Oldsters Are Coming!
Life Among the Progressives
A Family Ritual While Watching Masterpiece
The Unforgettable General Oppy
“Don’t Even THINK About Parking Here”
A Dubious Plan Gone Awry
The Singing Christmas Tree!
One Day in the Hospital Lab
The Legend of the Broken Timer
Nelson’s Fruit Stand
This One Time in Glee Club…
Star Trek References for the Win
Family Psalm, Stuck in Lodi
Vacation in Branson
Clyde and Ruth Revisited
COVID Policies During my Wife’s Fatal Illness
I Guess I’m the Shadow IT Department Now
The Tale of Clyde and Ruth
My Garden of Gethsemane Story
We Might Get a Virus!

What to Say to the Grieving

This was written three years ago, quite soon after my wife’s passing, when everything was still quite fresh and raw, and I had to make sure to have plenty of tissues with me at all times in case I were to break down crying.

This morning not one but two people innocently asked me this question as I was entering my church:

“And where is your lovely wife this morning?”

Oh, you poor dear. Now I’m going to have to tell you, and you’re going to feel terrible, aren’t you?

“Please do not feel awkward or embarrassed by this,” I told them earnestly, “But my wife has passed away.”

Then during the sermon, the pastor called out to me by name and asked if perhaps it was less than helpful when people ask me, “How are you doing?”

I see his point; there are lots of things that are less than optimal to say to someone who is grieving. You know all the classics, like “It’s for the best,” or “She’s not suffering anymore.”

And several people asked me that very question this morning before church: “How are you doing?”

And I want to tell you right now: that’s okay.

I burst out laughing when he said that, but perhaps not for the reason you might think. I felt empathy for the dilemma presented by that social situation. How do you offer help and sympathy without saying the wrong thing?

You probably can’t. There really aren’t many right things you can say in that situation. I’m really sorry about that.

But I don’t hear you saying the wrong thing. What I hear is someone wanting to reach out and support me in whatever way they can.

You might use the wrong words; I really don’t care. It’s an awkward situation, you’re maybe not going to handle it in the best way, but you try anyway. That’s brave of you, and I admire that. I know what’s in your heart, and I appreciate it; I am not offended in the least.

Look at it this way: you can’t make me feel any better, and you can’t make me feel any worse.

“How are you doing” is actually a perfectly reasonable question, really.

It’s just that it’s a question that is as awkward for me to answer as it is for you to ask. There are so many levels, and so many angles from which I might answer.

The level of detail and how I answer will vary from person to person depending on our relationship.

I might answer “fine,” or “terrible.”

It’s a paradox, but neither answer is a lie. There are many questions and issues I am actively dealing with. Some have been wonderfully answered. Some may never be. I am working on the rest as best as I am able.